A slightly upsetting thing happened to me yesterday. I looked up and suddenly my kids were home. It was shocking to me - where had the time gone? I thought I had literally just sat down at my computer. Suddenly they were home? What had I been doing?
I couldn't answer that question definitively, and I still am a bit puzzled. The time slipped by so quickly.
I think that it was more of my perception of time, rather than my actual memory. I can tell you what I did. I skyped with a friend, I chatted with some people, I listened to some music, I read some of my book and recorded it, I nursed the baby multiple times, I read my scriptures, and I made corrections in a spreadsheet, and edited a few different spreadsheets. Somewhere in there I ate a small lunch of some sort. The time went by extremely fast because I was totally occupied - happily - with interesting things. It was alarming that my perception of time was so completely wrong.
Time marches at a steady pace. It wasn't that time sped up. It must have been something with my mind that changed.
***
After Joey was born in August, and after I'd given myself the required six weeks rest, I decided not only did I have to start running again in order to lose the 50 pounds (yeah, five-oh. Ugh. So discouraging.) but also as a kind of preventative measure against my anxiety. I guess it is fairly obvious to anybody who actually knows me: I have anxiety. There. I said it. Now I have a label slapped across my forehead and you'll never be able to take me seriously ever again, because you'll wonder whether it's something believable or if it's just this mental illness speaking. It is excruciatingly painful to think of this condition as a mental illness, by the way. On just about a daily basis I wish that I could think my way out of it, but of course I can't.
But running - exercise of any sort, especially the obnoxious aerobic sort - does seem to help.
I like running outside.
But it's nasty outside. So I have to run in the gym. I can't stand running on a track. Other machines like stationary bikes and elliptical machines don't seem to get me enough of a workout. Classes would be okay but honestly, I'm not really that thrilled about staring at myself in a mirror at the moment, surrounded by other sweaty women. I'd rather...just not. At least for now. Maybe my opinion on that will change.
Also, I get competitive, and that's not a terribly awesome feeling. I'd rather compete against myself than other people.
So! Running. My gym has a track. I've tried listening to various things while running:
- audiobooks : I keep running out of good choices. I don't know what to listen to right now. I've exhausted my current list. It is, frankly, exhausting exhausting it ;-) haha
- MOOC audio lectures : this is an especially bad choice - too many pauses, too boring, too necessary to watch too much of the time because the slides matter
- nothing : this is a horrible choice because it means that I end up listening to my thoughts which, while running, tend to be along the lines of I hate this. This is so annoying. I hate this. I hate running. How many more laps. Ugh. I hate this. This feels terrible. I hate this. I've heard that people can get in some kind of zone while running.
- my quizlet collaborators' voices saying the ridiculous sentences I beg them to record : this is a fairly good choice because my thoughts tend to focus on their voice, the inflection, the rhythm, the meaning of the words, the word order, etc. My mind wanders to what kind of contexts this sentence might appear in. I create all kinds of weird dialogues and situations in the brief pauses between sentences. It's a good choice, but it is not exactly distracting enough.
- and then there's music.
Music, of course! Music of any sort - literally, of any sort - is so blessedly distracting. I cannot even carry on a coherent conversation when there is music playing. It completely steals my focus. Maybe that's why it's never been a real passion of mine; it'd be a total time stealer for me.
For a while I was listening to some amazon music playlists while running. You know what was the best? Horrible pop music from the 1990's that I knew by heart because it was from a time in my life when I religiously listened to the radio because I longed to be "cool." Crap like Brittney Spears and the Backstreet Boys. Really embarrassing that I still have all of their songs memorized somewhere in the recesses of my brain.
I guess if you've been reading this blog, by now you will know that I decided to transfer this idea to using music for language learning. And there's a lot more I want to write about this, but can't because my time is almost completely used up now, and I haven't gotten to the main point yet - gah....
Basically, this idea was quite effective. It is fun to listen to Czech music while running, even - especially? - stupid Czech music. I enjoy it.
To a point. I think stupid Czech music has a limit of about one day before it starts to really grate on my nerves. Stupid English music is much, much shorter. I guess that's why I mostly don't listen to music.
The music I do listen to sort of consistently is a Pandora radio station called "Puttin' on the Ritz." It's mostly big band, dancey songs with funny lyrics that typically have some subtle innuendo - which is so much sexier and fun to listen to than anything modern, which is just like, dripping in private parts and pulsing rhythms that force you into this really gloomy, depressing, animalistic state of mind where men and women are just beasts meant for ripping each others' clothes off and nothing else. I hate that. It's not at all who I want to be, or who I think I am. Or who most people actually are, for that matter.
***
Music more than any other thing has this powerful hold on my attention. I don't much like to listen to it because it is difficult to use my brain for other interesting things. It's the same reason why sometimes I don't like to read novels: it requires a level of mind-surrender that is not always that enjoyable. Even though I have this mind problem, I rather like my mind, and exploring the thoughts within it.
If I had to describe what it's like to live inside my mind, it would be like a giant flowchart tree. Imagine that every individual thought branches into several different paths. For a normal person, I guess this analogy could apply as well; and remember, the paths aren't linear at all. They double back and criss cross all the time, of course!
For a person with anxiety, every branch involves at least one possibility of going down an extremely dark path. That is the difference; I guess normal people sometimes have dark paths, but not always. And when I say always, I really do mean always. There are ways to twist even the most analytic, intellectual thoughts into dark, gloomy, depressing paths of darkness. Granted, when I'm focused on some kind of analysis, or some kind of language learning task or organizational activity, or writing, those dark paths look pretty small and unappealing.
But when I listen to music, especially popular music, those paths are almost irresistible.
***
I am only really able to stand running about a mile and a half on a track. Outside, I can run two or even three miles without it being too terrible of a chore; but on a track it's so tedious and boring.
Unless the soundtrack is right.
I was listening to Disney's Moana soundtrack. Maybe because thinking about being on an island somewhere warm is really appealing? I don't know. Maybe because Moana's struggles to find out who she wants to be are deeply relevant to me? Maybe because there are parallels in her struggle to my language learning struggle? I'm not sure.
I have to carry a little clicker thing that they have at the gym otherwise I'd never know how many laps I go; it's too hard for me to keep track of that without wanting to die with every step. eiiiiight....eiiiiiiiiiiiiight....eeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiggggghhhht...No, the clicker is much better.
Suddenly I looked up and noticed, "I've run 15 laps! I'm done!"
***
There are surely tasks involved in language learning that, similar to running, are necessary chores. If I can figure out exactly what those are and apply music in focused, small packages, that will probably be an effective way to use the weird way music affects my brain to my own advantage.
***
Let's think about running as a metaphor for language learning. If I want to be a truly excellent runner, I have to take breaks. It is not ever a good idea to sprint one's self to death. Sometimes what my heart really wants is to do exactly that - to know Czech now. To be able to communicate now. Why is this taking so long? Why is it so hard?
Well, first of all, I've only been actively learning Czech for a year and a half.
Second of all, I am objectively doing a good job. There is a lot to learn, and I make a lot of mistakes, and will continue to make terrible mistakes for a long time yet to come. But I am making progress. I know that, because I've noticed that my reading comprehension has improved. I am also able to better communicate with people now than before. I don't have to look up as many words. Sometimes I don't know exactly how to respond, but I do know what they're saying.
I don't enjoy resting my mind because when I'm not focused on pursuing intellectual paths, I tend to accidentally wander down the dark paths mentioned earlier. Self-deprecation. Self-loathing. Anger. Sadness. Worry. Fear. Despair. Discouragement. Those are the paths of Anxiety. I wish they weren't there - or that they were not appealing. I wish I could will myself to stay off those paths. I can't always rely on audiobooks, reading, and study to bridle my mind.
Basically, what I'm trying to say is that I have not found a consistent method of relaxing that is really appealing to me. Ever. Except -
I love people. Talking with people is fun. Listening to people is fun. I love to be with my husband, who really gets me. I guess it might be strange to say this, but seeking the company of other people might be my way of trying to relax. It gets so lonely at home caring for the needs of young children and my house. I really need people in my life. The older my kids get, the better. I was able to actually have a fun conversation with my nine year old yesterday as we went grocery shopping together.
This is, of course, why language learning has always been so appealing to me. It's the means by which communication can happen.
***
I'm not always able to effectively communicate at all, in any language. That is deeply frustrating to me.
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